I’m still here Thursday, Mar 1 2012 

All day, I have been going over and over in my head how to write this post. There is no easy way to do this so I’m just going to write.

Today, March 1, is National Self-Injury Awareness Day.

I self-harm.

I’ve battled with depression since a very young age. I was in college before anyone found out that I cut myself. I remember that day very clearly. My sister and I were sitting on the sofa, and my mom wanted to take our picture. My sister and I started horsing around and that is when she saw the cuts on my arm. All hell broke loose. I was put into therapy and was put on meds. The only problem was that my insurance ran out in four months. I remember the morning I took my last pill. I held it in my hand and cried. I was scared and felt so alone. I didn’t know what to do. My 24th birthday was coming up and there was this guy that I liked. I cut myself 24 times the morning of my birthday. 24 little reminders that this would make it all better. I remember him looking at my arm and told me that if I wanted to date him, I had to stop this. I wasn’t sure if I could or not, but I gave it a shot.

That was 4 years and 8 months ago. We have since broken up.

I will be honest and tell you that I struggle every single day. Some days are easier than others. Some days, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and disappear. I made a pact with a good friend that if I ever walked up to her holding my wrists out, all she had to do was grab them and squeeze. Then we would talk. She no loner lives near me, but I think about that pact often. I think about how far I’ve come, but I still see how much farther I have to go. I think about my friends and family. I think about Broly. There is so much I have in my life to be thankful for, and I am. I am grateful for those who let me talk or just let me be.

This doesn’t get an easier, but I can promise that it does get better.

 

 

Changes Monday, Dec 5 2011 

I guess I should get something out the way first. In case you don’t know, I no longer have a job. Two weeks ago, I started at a Dr.’s office as the administrative assistant. I thought it was going to be a stable position. A job! I was called into the office this past Friday afternoon and told that it just wasn’t working out and she felt, in the long run, I wouldn’t be able to handle the front on my own. It was only two weeks. To be honest, I didn’t really enjoy the job. I just didn’t want to let anyone down. There was very little training (I left still not knowing how to make an appointment), but I went and did I best I could. I gave it a shot. I know that she did what she felt was right. That is okay. It just really makes me wonder, though. I’ve lost three jobs this year. That really does something to a persons head. I just can’t help but think that there is something wrong with me. Am I that bad of a person that people don’t want me? I know I am being silly but still. I just can’t help but wonder.

Now that the job news is out of the way, on to something more awesome.
I am part of another amazing project. Slated to begin next year, 12 Changes in 2012 was set in motion by these amazing ladies: Stephany and Katherine. The basic concept is making little changes over times helps them stick. Doing something for a month helps it become habit then you add something else to it, making that become habit. You have this awesome support group to help when you need encouragement and support. We have 4 weeks until 2012. We have to come up with about 9 things (more if you can) that you want to change in 2012.
Here is my list (so far):
1. Exercise for an hour (or more) a day with a designated rest day
2. Reduce/eliminate processed sugar from my diet
3. Meditate for a least 15 minutes a day
4. Read for 30 min.-1 hr. a day
5. Eat healthier
6. Blog 2-3 times a week
7. Hand write more letters
8. Paint my nails
9. Wash my face every night
10. Clean the house once a week
11. Organize my mess
12. Engage in my life more

Hello world! Wednesday, May 25 2011 

Those words, that title, make me think of a song.

I want to shout it from the rooftop.

I want to tell you I am here.

So, here I am. Letting you in.

Starting over.

Hopefully getting better at this.

Feel free to join me on my journey.

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