Wine and Love v28 Thursday, Mar 8 2012 

It’s Wine and Love time!!!

W(h)ine:

* Money….don’t make enough of it, never have enough of it lol

* Diet and exercise have not been going so well

Love:

* I bought both of these prompts from Doni and am so excited. Got my first prompts this week!! Can’t wait to see more. You should buy them (and use this links in here- I get money from each sale)!

* I made this awesome meal this week that I will hopefully blog about this weekend (including pictures!)

* Check out the Habibi Hips performance at Bellydance Superstars Club Bellydance:

* I blogged about my ongoing struggle with depression and cutting

* Had a great meeting with Madre Annie <3

* I have a lot of great things to look forward to next week: PJ and I’s 1 year anniversary, seeing the play Chicago, CRAWFISH!, Patty in the Park and a BBQ for the season finale of The Walking Dead with friends and family

Confession: A letter to you Friday, Mar 2 2012 

Exactly 4 years and 8 months to the day, I cut again.

I don’t know what I was thinking. Basically, I wasn’t.

I just wanted to pain I was feeling inside to stop. I wanted to feel something other than what was going on inside.

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew what I was doing was selfish.

This is my confession to you because I need to held accountable for my actions.

I am sorry to those I hurt. I am sorry to cause you so much pain and worry. I will make this better.

Love,

Me

I’m still here Thursday, Mar 1 2012 

All day, I have been going over and over in my head how to write this post. There is no easy way to do this so I’m just going to write.

Today, March 1, is National Self-Injury Awareness Day.

I self-harm.

I’ve battled with depression since a very young age. I was in college before anyone found out that I cut myself. I remember that day very clearly. My sister and I were sitting on the sofa, and my mom wanted to take our picture. My sister and I started horsing around and that is when she saw the cuts on my arm. All hell broke loose. I was put into therapy and was put on meds. The only problem was that my insurance ran out in four months. I remember the morning I took my last pill. I held it in my hand and cried. I was scared and felt so alone. I didn’t know what to do. My 24th birthday was coming up and there was this guy that I liked. I cut myself 24 times the morning of my birthday. 24 little reminders that this would make it all better. I remember him looking at my arm and told me that if I wanted to date him, I had to stop this. I wasn’t sure if I could or not, but I gave it a shot.

That was 4 years and 8 months ago. We have since broken up.

I will be honest and tell you that I struggle every single day. Some days are easier than others. Some days, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and disappear. I made a pact with a good friend that if I ever walked up to her holding my wrists out, all she had to do was grab them and squeeze. Then we would talk. She no loner lives near me, but I think about that pact often. I think about how far I’ve come, but I still see how much farther I have to go. I think about my friends and family. I think about Broly. There is so much I have in my life to be thankful for, and I am. I am grateful for those who let me talk or just let me be.

This doesn’t get an easier, but I can promise that it does get better.

 

 

One of those days….over and over Monday, Nov 28 2011 

You every have one of those days that just doesn’t seem to end? I feel like I’ve been having the same bad day for awhile now. I guess it’s just the stress and pressure I’m putting on myself compounded with PMS and lots of dancing this week. I really miss hanging out with friends and loved one, I miss reading, knitting (I want to learn how to crochet too) and the Internet. Oh man, I can’t tell you how much I miss the Internet. I guess this is how people with “grown up” jobs feel? How do you even classify what a “grown up” job is?

Hopefully this feeling goes away soon because I (as well as those around me) sure don’t like it or want it around.

Down Monday, Jun 6 2011 

This have not been good in the emotional state of my life lately. Last Thursday, after our very long day and after 3 hours of dance, I had an emotional breakdown. PMS is getting the best of me in the worst way.

I look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t like what I see.

I can’t stand to watch myself dance. I think I look fat and am not a good dancer.

I feel disengaged in my life.  I feel unwanted. I need to get out and do things. I need to engage with people. I need to stop being jealous of what other people have and get that for myself.

I am very grateful for my boyfriend, who lets me cry to him and listens when I talk. He offers words of encouragement and love.

I am grateful for my friends. They get me out of the house and laughing.

There is lots of love around me. I need to embrace that.

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